“Screw the small judo man!”
I am still in that pensive mood. I cannot get it out of my head. Most of these dreams feel real, because I want them to be. Yet, they are just figments of my imagination. Are they my subconscious? Do they have meanings? Should I act on them?
Yes. I did. Rashly. And I am such an idiot for it.
This being the technological age, I used the internet. I queried to find if she was alive, where’s she at, and is she close? I struck gold. And that is a problem.
I feel dirty snooping around the internets for scraps of information on her. First resort is always google. Surprisingly, she doesn’t leave much of an impression on the web. She has a very unique name, but it produces very few positive results. Then I tried those peoplefinder search engines. They really do work. Try it sometime. Each of them gives a free summary report which is enough to confirm that that is the person you’re searching for. It is freaky, and I am embarrassed to say that I really wanted to click the pay button for more information. I am desperately lonely about this that I would stoop to something so stupid, so absolutely shameless.
As I pondered about this, I realized the awesome power the internet has. It can retrieve so much details about you’re life that it’s scary. That is why I feel so dirty. It is like I was a peeping tom. No. I am a peeping tom looking through a window at someone else’s life uninvited. I ackowledge that most of the information was publicly available yet I should never have searched for it. I wonder how to live life as an online personality. I guess writing this blog should make me susceptible to my privacy being violated, but I choose this. Sometimes I choose not to. Those free peoplefinder search engines, if people only knew how simple it is to find out things it will make them angry.
As my fingered hovered over the “purchase” button, my conscience kicks in and saves me from making an ass of myself. Yet, I continued to wonder about her all day. In the car I knew that she was gone, but I do one last search which bears fruit. Married. Kids.
*Sigh*
I know now that I can never do this again. This obsession. This preoccupation for a girl that I have not seen in 15 years. This compulsion for a girl that I hadn’t had a decent conversation with in 20 years. This fixation on someone who I don’t even know and never had a chance to know.
I hope it ends here. Those dreams will come. They always do. But I should let them recede into the neurons of my brain. There they’ll stay quiet for awhile but percolate to the surface on occasion to remind me of her. When they do, I’ll perhaps blog them, but no searches for me.
It makes me happy that somewhere she is alive and living a life that is hers. I wish her well. It makes me sad that here I am living the life that is mine.
