Father’s Day

broderic on June 10, 2007

In a week, it will be father’s day, but today it is already that for me. My dad died on this day 7 years ago. It was a dreadful day. Since then, I don’t know how to sum it up or speak about it. I think I don’t know how I feel about it at all.

I had spent the night before he died with him in the hospital. There were words exchanged that night that are hard to grasp. I vaguely recall them only because they are too painful to recall. It was comforting and heart breaking at the same time. You see I spent most of his last year alive with him almost daily. The cancer that took his life was a pain to watch ravage him, but I like to think that I was there to help him when he needed mostly taking him to the dialysis clinic or the occasional hospital visit. On those rides to the doctor’s office, he subtly hinted that he knew that he was dying. I don’t think I paid much heed to them until he explicitly told me he was going to die soon. Then I felt scared.

To this day, I still wonder if I had been as caring for him in his last days as I could’ve been.

When I got home from the hospital on the day he died, I set about mowing the lawn. It was just me and my youger brother. The call came sometime after noon. My brother came out and said we should get to the hospital. I didn’t want to hear it. I didn’t want to believe it. I didn’t want to not have a father.

My actions were queer and deliberate. I stopped mowing, went inside, and took a shower. I dreaded going. I wished it hadn’t have happened, so I took a shower. I don’t know why.

We rode to the hospital in silence. Neither one of us wanting to say it. I did not see my father alive again.

Yet, he still lives in me. I am my father’s son or at least as close to being the type of person he had wanted me to be. If I could be half the man my father was then I can feel that I am much.

I will always remember the time together we shared during that last year of his life.

I remember the final night with him in the hospital. You know we cried together that night. He told me to love my mom and take care of her, to love my brothers and respect them, to love myself and be proud, and to love my family for they are what’s best about the world.

For a better reminiscence, see my brother’s entry,

On the road. Almost.

broderic on June 9, 2007

I was on my bike today. Then I was off it fixing a flat. I had already changed the tube once this summer, because of a slow leak. As a cyclist, you should always know how to fix a flat. I know how to.

I just put a spare tube in.

It’s cheating, I know, but it’s the easiest way.

If you have the tools.

I keep some tire irons in a saddle bag. They help to get the tire off the rim. I keep the spare tube in there as well. It would help if I kept a pump, but I have one of those CO2 canister dispensers. Of course it would’ve been good if I had some CO2. I had left it in the dispenser which probably made all the air leak out of it.

I was left on the side of the road twenty minutes into the ride. I had to call my mom up to pick me up once I found out that I don’t have any air to fill my replacement tube. Stuck on the side of the road. Waiting.

So I learned today to keep a spare air in the saddle bag. And not to put the CO2 canister locked in the dispenser. I am a fool.

"Don't let them tease you. You can tell me all about her."

broderic on June 9, 2007

As you know, I am currently keen on Barbara Stanwyck movies. Ever since I saw The Lady Eve, I have been going through her films weekly. I must have watched The Lady Eve several times already, and almost daily do I put the DVD in the player to watch a few minutes. But, there are so many classic scenes in the movie that I lose myself in it and end up watching it fully. I just dig her in it.

My favorite scene happens half way through the movie as Jean starts her ploy to ensnare Hopsie in her revenge. She poses as the Lady Eve Sidwich at a party given by Hopsie’s father in her honor. There she meets Hopsie face-to-face.

She casually and non-chalantly greets him as if they had never met.

Hopsie was incredulous and caught tongue tied. He couldn’t believe this English Lady was the same grifter he had met on the boat.

He asks, “Have we met?”

“Of course we have, your father just introduced us.”

And it goes downhill quick for Hopsie from there.

Stanwyck plays it marvelously. Her face as she lies to him does not betray one hint of recognition. She is daring him to call her bluff. He doesn’t, and she subtly mocks him for it.

It’s enough to make Hopsie fall over himself.

The scene ends with a Hopsie’s father’s toast to the Lady Eve over her wily ways.

“Well, I don’t know what she looked like, but if she looked anything like you, here’s to her.”

She looked just like her, because it was her. She and her being the same person. It’s a brilliant line that gets to the theme of the movie.

If you haven’t seen it, I recommend that you do. It’s on the American Film Institute’s list of 100 comedies. Put it in your Netflix queue.

Class

broderic on June 8, 2007

President Clinton at Harvard. That man’s the bomb.

We were a richer country with him in charge.

On the road. Again

broderic on June 7, 2007

Back in the saddle after an unfortunate 3 week hiatus.

I road the old standby once around the block. It felt good, but awkward. My riding form has regressed, and I was peddling squares all ride. It was even more pronounced than earlier this year. My mind was used to riding a certain way, but the body wasn’t co-operating.

I had company along the way, too, for a bit. He complimented me on my bike. I kind of brushed him off which makes me feel bad. I would like to have a riding partner, but someone closer to my abilities. He said he rides with some others a couple of times a week. That’s more than I have done. Luckily, he was at the end of his ride because we parted company early in mine.

After the ride, I checked my cycling computer. I was amazed at what the readout was: 12.95 miles in 45 minutes! I don’t believe it. I think the battery is dying or it needs to be recalibrated. Those numbers are above my usual and it didn’t feel it.

I need to ride more this month.