BrowserMetrics

Office Christmas Party needed more mayhem like the mayhem in Project X. It only had like 45 minutes of mayhem, and it spent a majority of time in an actual story. Too bad. I would love to have spent the time at the party that destroyed the office. It would’ve been a great Christmas present.

Meh. This is another movie that will show up on TBS during the holidays. Or maybe IFC so that we can get the expletives. Watching this makes me want to become Muslim. Don’t watch it.

2 of 5 stars.

I doubt the book version of Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them is any better than the movie. In fact, I think the book version is just an encyclopedia. Now how did that get made into a movie? Money had to be involved.

J.K. Rowling is looking to make lots of money. She’s spinning out more and more of the Harry Potter world. This is just the first step. I believe they’ll make more movies. Hopefully, they would be as good as the first one.

This one finds Eddie Redmayne, as Newt Scamander, the fictional wizardly writer of the eponymous book. He’s come to America to do some research and work with fantastical beasts. He runs afoul of the American wizarding community. Unlike the Brits, American wizards hide themselves away from the nomajs — normal humans. But doesn’t the British wizards hide, too? Yeah anyway, he comes to America and immediate gets involved in the followers of the dark arts who are trying to unleash mayhem in America. Just like he who should not be named. It is up to Newt to find the fantastical beasts and stop the dark ones.

I thought it was an interesting extension to Harry Potter universe. It’s going to be interesting. I especially was intrigued of the wizarding in America. Need more.

3 of 5 stars.

Allied will be to Brad Pitt’s relationship as Mr. and Mrs. Smith had been. You will be too busy thinking about his love life than the movie. In fact, you would rather be thinking about his love life than this movie. You’ll get more satisfaction.

Not sure if I should’ve started this review with that. I don’t really believe that it was the case. The movie is fine. Brad’s love life isn’t. Let’s save that for the tabloids. Let’s watch movies without that baggage.

Anyhow, the film would be better if you don’t think about it.

But yes, this one is about a man who thinks his wife could be a Nazi. In simpler times, Hollywood would make these movies over and over again. A simple quick movie with some star caliber and a nice clean simple story.

It’s a serviceable film. Neither good nor bad. Just a film to watch on an autumn day.

3 of 5 stars.

Imagine my surprise when I saw a Friday matinee of The Handmaiden when it suddenly turned into an very erotic film bordering on pornography. The theatre was almost empty. When I entered I smugly chose the middle seat four rows up in the same row as an older couple. One more gentleman entered before screening and another, an employee, came in halfway through the film. Next thing we know, the female protagonists where in a very naked embrace. Me likey. As one of them went down on the other and declared, as she stared enthralled at her partner, how beautiful it was, I just shook my head in agreement. Dang I haven’t seen a movie like this in a while.

The Handmaiden is about the con. It about a pickpocket who gets a job as the personal maid of an upper crust lady. She’s in cahoots with a swindler who is trying to woo the lady. Except it’s not. It’s about a lady who can not stand her life under her domineering uncle and is looking for a way out. She’s in cahoots with the swindler to find a body double to kill so that she can run away scot free. I’m sorry if you read those sentences and think I spoiled it for you. I didn’t. It’s pretty twisted and convoluted that you will enjoy the story.

The big thing to say about this film is the sex. It is very real. I wonder how it was filmed. It must’ve been a very closed set. This isn’t your average porno shoot with porno stars. These are real Korean actresses. It’s wonder. If you need a taste of it, go look for erotic Japanese woodcuts. The scenes were filmed with them in mind. They mostly looked as though the director wanted to bring them to life. It’s all highly erotic work.

But the story is good as well. Nice and twisty. Very noir-ish. It will keep you wondering. Overall, it reminds me of another slightly lesbian erotic thriller, Bound.

I feel like seeing it again.

4 of 5 stars.

The title of the story from which the film, Arrival, is based on is “Story of Your Life.” Now does that sound like a science fiction movie to you? No. But it is a science fiction type of story. Also, that title should give you a clue on what type of movie you about to see. Arrival doesn’t. It connotes alien invasion. The original story title connotes a more intimate story, which is how the movie played.

The story is about a linguist given the duty to decipher the language of aliens who’ve just arrived. She needs to solve the mystery of why. Or the world will start shooting.

From the get go, the film was an intimate story. It started with what looked to be a flash back, but in the end may have been a premonition. Or it could’ve been the present. You see it was all time based. Now. Then. Tomorrow. Today. Past. Present. Future. What she and us experienced is the now — the story of my life.

As the movie ended and I was leaving, this gentlemen looked me directly in the eye and said definitively, “That movie sucked!” Yes. It is a divisive film because it wasn’t sold correctly. People wanted alien invasion, but it was a story about the linguist and her life. They should’ve never changed the title, but I understand because who will watch a science fiction film that is an intimate story.

I think it will enter the cannon of great science fiction movies, but that will take some time.

3 of 5 stars.