Dream Academy

broderic on January 24, 2007

Here’s one I had which woke me up early this morning. Don’t do an analysis on this one. She’s not in it. Or if she was I am trying not to remember. Anyway it is more of a strange dream. I don’t know what it means.

I’m back in school at the U for only one class and all my favorite peopele are in it. There’s the gang from Shore Studios. There’s my cousin who’s also my roomate. There’s the hot Jamaican chinese girl. THere’s some others.

The class is some kind of writing class or a literature class.

THe first class goes by. We have a discussion. I take notes on the back of a receipt.

I am sitting in the back. At the end of the class we get to order food and drinks.

I am going to the next class following some frat guys with no shoes. I wonder why they think themselves to be cool without any shoes on.

The next class I want to get close to the hot Jamaican chinese girl so I sit up front. I place my notebook on my desk to save it and go out to the bathroom. I follow the hot Jamaincan chinese girl in. She takes my spot. So I sit by my friends from shore studios. A sits with her husband I think. W sits behind. The class starts and again I try to take notes on a receipt the same receipt from the last class. I have to turn it over because I am running out of space. I finally remember my notebook.

The instructor then puts on a movie for us to watch. It’s terrible. I put my head down to go to sleep, but in minutes the movie’s over.

The instructor passes back homework and receipts from the last class.

We have some time left in the class so we have discussion time. The instructor asks if anyone has been divorced. A raises her hands and asks back, “What kind of question is that/”. The instructor asked this question because he’s in the middle of one which is making him sad.

The class is over. W and I go out. I am ask him why we do comm more. He wonders the same about A.

“Screw the small judo man!”

broderic on September 15, 2006

I am still in that pensive mood. I cannot get it out of my head. Most of these dreams feel real, because I want them to be. Yet, they are just figments of my imagination. Are they my subconscious? Do they have meanings? Should I act on them?

Yes. I did. Rashly. And I am such an idiot for it.

This being the technological age, I used the internet. I queried to find if she was alive, where’s she at, and is she close? I struck gold. And that is a problem.

I feel dirty snooping around the internets for scraps of information on her. First resort is always google. Surprisingly, she doesn’t leave much of an impression on the web. She has a very unique name, but it produces very few positive results. Then I tried those peoplefinder search engines. They really do work. Try it sometime. Each of them gives a free summary report which is enough to confirm that that is the person you’re searching for. It is freaky, and I am embarrassed to say that I really wanted to click the pay button for more information. I am desperately lonely about this that I would stoop to something so stupid, so absolutely shameless.

As I pondered about this, I realized the awesome power the internet has. It can retrieve so much details about you’re life that it’s scary. That is why I feel so dirty. It is like I was a peeping tom. No. I am a peeping tom looking through a window at someone else’s life uninvited. I ackowledge that most of the information was publicly available yet I should never have searched for it. I wonder how to live life as an online personality. I guess writing this blog should make me susceptible to my privacy being violated, but I choose this. Sometimes I choose not to. Those free peoplefinder search engines, if people only knew how simple it is to find out things it will make them angry.

As my fingered hovered over the “purchase” button, my conscience kicks in and saves me from making an ass of myself. Yet, I continued to wonder about her all day. In the car I knew that she was gone, but I do one last search which bears fruit. Married. Kids.

*Sigh*

I know now that I can never do this again. This obsession. This preoccupation for a girl that I have not seen in 15 years. This compulsion for a girl that I hadn’t had a decent conversation with in 20 years. This fixation on someone who I don’t even know and never had a chance to know.

I hope it ends here. Those dreams will come. They always do. But I should let them recede into the neurons of my brain. There they’ll stay quiet for awhile but percolate to the surface on occasion to remind me of her. When they do, I’ll perhaps blog them, but no searches for me.

It makes me happy that somewhere she is alive and living a life that is hers. I wish her well. It makes me sad that here I am living the life that is mine.

“Dude, see if you can follow me here. Being inefficient and you being lonely, they’re not the same thing.”

broderic on September 14, 2006

It starts out in the grocery store. I spy I. I maneuver to get close to her. We meet cute. I introduce her to my mom.

Next we’re in her car. It must be a date or something. She’s driving but on the right hand side. Would I like to hear music? She slides in an 8 track, but it plays some recent stuff. I think Lionel Ritchie was on the front of the tape.

Next we’re sitting on a couch. Side by side. My head’s a bit lower than hers. She kisses me. I wonder aloud about all the time we missed being together. She says she’s been waiting all this time. We kiss again. We’re making out now.

This dream put me in a pensive mood this morning. I was distracted at work. It’s another one of my sad, pathetic dreams of girls gone by. Unfortunately, I blog them because they are so damn important to me. There would’ve been a more descriptive account, but I dreamt that post up, too.

This blog is nothing but Mac, movies, and sad, sad dreams. (At least, I’m posting frequently.)

Shot down in flames

broderic on June 21, 2006

Yikes, this is getting scary and fun. I dream about I again.

I’m back taking classes at Towson and my class is in the old building on campus which use to house the cs department. I get there and the class is packed so I end up near the windows in the back.

In walks the dame.

She doesn’t see me and takes a seat in the back as well. I hide from her all class until the end when we meet and exchange pleasantries.

“Hello.” “Hi.” “What’ve you been up to?”

The next class and I want to tell her something about the way that I feel. I’m going to do it afterwards.

As classes finishes, I walk out before she does. I wait for her at the bottom of the stairs. It takes her awhile to get out. I see her now amidst the crowd. As she descends, I ascend up to her.

“Hey. You got another class?” “No, I’m done.” “Can I walk with you to your car?” “Sure.” “I got something to ask.” “Yeah?”

Now here’s the deal. I want to ask her what happened between us when we were kids. Was there something there? Did I blow it? (Most likely yes and no. Stupid adolescents.) Except this is what came stammering out.

“Would you like to get coffee?” (Coffee?!)
“No. I got to run.” (Ouch)
“Uhh. I mean on saturday?”
“No.”

She’s leaving and I can’t do anything about it.

“You know I’m asking you out on a date?”
“Sure.” (Meaning she knows. Damn!)

She’s getting into her Lexus SUV. Think. Desperation sets in. I can’t let her leave without attempting to re-establish a relationship.

“At least, can I get your phone nymber?”
“I’m in the book under my sister, Becky.”

Becky? What’s her last name again? O, yeah. I remember. I don’t think her sister’s name was Becky.

She’s gone and I feel low. I get into my old Jetta and smoke a cigarette.

Then I am with my cousin and brother smoking in the parking lot of Friday’s. Telling them about this. It must be my subconsious telling me to blog this. I tell them the sad tale. They say clean out your ashtray there’s cigarett butts allover the center console. I open the door to dump the ashtray out.

Then I wake up with the taste of stale cigarettes. Was this only a dream?

Update: I think that this isn’t I, but SL. Why do I think that? SL had a sister named Rebecca as hot a brunette as SL. SL was also somewhat aloof. We had good times together but nothing spectactular. There’s no history there. I usually don’t dream about her.

Swimming in the dark

broderic on June 3, 2006

Another dream about I. This one quickly escaping my memory.

We meet somehow. She needs a ride home. I take her there. It’s back to her parent’s house. On the drive, I think I ask about what happened. She lightly touches my hand on the stickshift as she says she wonders about that, too.

Her parents are at home. It’s hot and I ask about the pool out back with a desire to go swimming. I follow her up stairs as she goes to ask her parents. I catch a glimpse of her mom. I do not feel comfortable. We leave the room. As we walk down the hall then down the stairs, she gets closer and closer to me shoulder to shoulder.

Next thing I know we are in her father’s office, opening desk drawers for some hidden latch. She checks the bottom right, finds a switch and presses it. The bottom left opens from which she grabs some keys. We race outside.

The pool is an above ground pool. We get in. A young kid joins us. I assume that it is her younger brother, but it turns out to be a neighbor. We swim at night. Ever slowly, we come together. We play with the neighbor. His mom calls him home, and suddenly it is just I and me swimming in the dark.

I think we embrace. I feel flushed with emotions. Do we kiss? What happened to us? The last bit I remember is that her resting her head on my shoulders and pulling me closer.

That same old feeling

broderic on April 12, 2006

Because I like to catalogue these…I dreamt about S again last night or more like this morning in that half
awake twilight you’re in before you wake up. And like the other dreams
of her, it takes place at Ruby’s. I am back at work there. I can’t tell if I am the age I worked there or
if I am the age that I am now. It feels like now. I recall that I had
just come back. I am walking through the kitchen. S bursts through the doors behind me
in an exaggerated manner. I smile at her. She smiles back. She looks
the same: beautiful face, as tall as I am, brunette hair to her
shoulders, brown eyes, slightly slimmer in the backside. She wears her
hair with the bangs pinned back. We do the cheek-to-cheek air kiss.
“Long time no see.” We both realize we’re back working at Ruby’s. The
dinner crowd arrives.Later, I see her again more exasperated. Her hair is disheveled. I
walk her into the kitchen, arm on the small of her back. She doesn’t
like that. “We are not going into the supply room and hump.” I am
taken aback. What she said has stopped me in my tracks, and the icy
look she gives me as she continues on saddens me. “I have tables?” “What’s my section?” “Damn, I got cocktails.” For
the rest of the night I stay on the other side avoiding her. Then I woke up.Also, making a cameo appearance is SL. Tall blonde. Great boobs. Hot.
Hot. Hot. Like S, we do the cheek-to-cheek air kiss.

“But yes, she did steal my high school sweetheart.”

broderic on September 17, 2005

Dreams. Man, I wish they could be real. But I guess that’s why they’re dreams.

Tossing and turning this morning. I had one that was so life-like it was not even funny, and like the majority of them I wish it were real.

It starts in a physics class in the University of Miami. I am taking it with the girl who’s become an icon to me, I. She is the first girl I have had a crush on, and probably the first girl who retruned the feelings back. She drives plenty of my feelings on what a girl should be like. She was smart, the smartest in grade school. She wore glasses. She was blonde, blue eyed. I was able to talk to her. We were friends throughout grade school. I often wonder where she is now. I think this dream comes from the depths of my psyche looking for her…

First day of class, I am amazed that after 20 years we end up in the same class. She does as well. I try to act cool and not think about the implications. Class is taught. I get the first homework assignment. I finish it up.

Next class is a movie presentation or at least looks like it will be one because the seats are like a movie theatre. She sits in front. I sit down next to her perusing my homework smiling at her. The professor comes in and gets ready to lecture. I., she turns my way and we converse. Small talk. Inane banter. Yet, out of the blue she says, “What happened between us?” She was referring to a point in grade school where I liked her, she knew I liked her, but I never had the balls to express that to her. Plus, she also had a feeling there, too. Like a moment, which passed, and we both never made the connection. Perhaps, I was in the friend zone…

“What happened between us?” I go cold at those words. They were why I sat next to her. I wanted to make the move, and yet, she says them. I don’t remember what I said but they were to the effect that I don’t know. She goes onto say that we had something. That there could’ve been a there there. Then she explains her end, “Kimmie, (one of her grade school girlfriends) said you weren’t interested in me. She said to move on.”

My heart breaks upon hearing this. The feelings I had for her come swelling to the surface. I am speechless. She did like me! At the time, I should’ve said something! It could’ve been…

The professor begins his lecture.

I say with anticipation, “Can we talk about this after class?” She nods. We listen to the lecture. The class poses and answers some questions. I look at her and she at me. I think of everything I want to say. I can’t wait for the class to end to find out the big reason why we never were.

I wake up wishing for the answer. It has been 20 years since I have seen I. I occasionalyl have dreams of her. I would like to know how she is doing. I wish that we would meet cute. I think that that too is a dream.

“She’s just a girl. She’s just a girl. The Girl U want.”

broderic on November 19, 2004

Last night I dreamt of S. The previous night I dreamt of I. Both of them are girls that I had major affection for. S being the latest about 8 years ago. It is very strange and disturbing that I had dreamt about them both in consecutive nights. Here is what I remember of the dreams.

The previous night was about I. She was my grade school crush. In this dream, I was back visiting our grade school because they were having a fair or flea market. I had gone because a friend was getting married there. I was dressed in a suit. I saw her standing there looking at items on a table. She was older than I remembered her to be. I guess that the years seperating the last time I saw her made my memory advance her age. I didn’t get to say anything to her as I was bumping into friends who were there for the wedding also. I catch a glimpse of her again, and I decide to talk to her. She is standing there looking across the field with some friends. She was taking pictures with a camera with a modest zoom lense. One of her friends was a guy. He helped stabilize her from behind. I did not want to disturb them both, so I feigned talking to her. I passed her by. Again, I bump into friends this time the bride. I decide I really need to talke to I. I run after her, but she has disappeared. I run to the front of the school. She’s not there. I realize that that was the last I will have seen of her, and walk dejectedly back to the wedding. They are unloading chairs from a dump truck for the wedding.

Last night was S’s turn to visit my dreams. In this one, I was working out at a gym. She just happened to be there. I bummped into her and we were both surprised to see each other. I think I was introducing a friend to her. While we were discussing some exercise related maneuver. I think I had tripped over something and fallen into her. I landed on her thighs. They felt great. I must have disgusted her when that happened. She went to change. So did I. Except I went to the bathroom. In a rush, I ran to meet up with her hoping to ask her out for some coffee. She was avoiding me. Moving from me quickly. I cornered her. She was reluctant to talk. I, being my loser self, never got to ask her out. She left. I silently practiced, “Would you like to go get some coffee?” Hoping to use it, but I now know that I won’t ever. What is most vivid about this dream is her face. A very pretty brunette with big brown eyes.

Their return in my dreams saddens me. I know I will never see them again. I hope they are doing well wherever they are. I am lonely.