Things we watch in the cinema or on tape, DVD, and streaming
The new James Bond film is fantastic. But it’s too long and there are some slow spots in the film. Especially with James Bond in love. That’s right. James Bond falls in love in this one. And like “On Her Majesty’s Secret Service” that doesn’t work out too well. It makes him into the Bond that he is today. Except for the misstep in “On Her Majesty’s Secret Service.”
4 of 5 stars.
There once was a blogger who wrote a review about the movie, Stranger Than Fiction. He had seen it the previous night. Now, it wasn’t the movie he went to see, but since that was sold out, it was either Stranger Than Fiction or The Return. Being tired of trite horror films since Halloween had just past and not wanting to watch a movie from behind the brim of his ball cap, Stranger Than Fiction was the only choice. He bought a ticket as did his companions, waited a half hour before getting seated, and patiently watched the film unspool before him.
While devouring a ridiculously large bucket of popcorn, he felt that the movie was trying too hard. That it was too clever by a half. It was as if the writer and director wanted to out clever Charlie Kaufman’s writing and out wit Michel Gondry direction. The “meta” style and “wink-wink” that the plot represented indicated to the blogger that the story was very much about a story. The flashes of graphics thought to enhance the picture were gratuitous and show-offy. He was so aware that this was going to be another movie he would not like.
Yet, there was some doubt. How can he not like it when the main character gets the girl? He thought the writers would surely make it a dream, but no it was real. The audience cheered this development. How can you not like it when the fictional writer had ten years of writers block? He knows how that feels. He was pulling for her hoping that she would write, “Fish for sale! Fish for sale!” referencing another of filmdom’s infamous writer with writer’s block.
Can this movie win him over? It did! The characters live happily ever after. Imagine that! Love conquers all. Live your life as if dying tomorrow would not be bad. The cliches he had to think about. They would’ve made him give this film a terrible review, but in the end, he has to admit…
…3 of 5 stars. Much better than expected.
Back in the day, magicians ruled entertainment. I found it hard to believe. You’ll also find this movie hard to believe once you realize that it is truly fictional. The conceit of this movie turns upon the idea that science can conjure up something truly fantastical. That scientists through there work create an unreality that is macabre. This movie asks us to believe that magicians practice magic, but scientists practice a dark art. The revelation at the end wherein we learn that Tesla was a mad genius who produced a scientific body that defies science. No wonder Thomas Edison and his thugs had to discredit him; his work was not science but magic. And the magicians’ illusions were not slight of hand, but pure fantasy.
Hugh Jackman I can’t take seriously. For me he is always a comical character. I don’t know why, perhaps it was his role in Kate & Leopold. No matter, he was a distraction.
2 of 5 stars.
I thought Joseph Fiennes was Kevin J. O’Connor, the dude who played Benny in The Mummy. Throughout the entire movie, I kept thinking, “Man, Benny sure has some acting chops. Who knew?” Obviously, I didn’t, so imagine my surprise that it wasn’t Benny.
3 of 5 stars.
Why do I watch crap like this? Nuff said.
2 of 5 stars.
I know I am late with the Friday the 13th stuff considering that it was two weeks ago, but I was thinking this in the shower the other day. I have seen almost all Friday the 13th slasher flicks and while they’re all pretty stupid, you have to admit that some of the deaths are mighty gruesome and hilarious. I can’t remember which films are which, but I don’t remember some of the gore. Here’s my list of the five most memorable Jason hacks. I’m excluding Jason in Space and Freddy v Jason, because I have yet to see them.
5. Party favor in the eye. While this is rather tame, I’m including it here for the fact that as it was shoved into the eye it made the noise party favors make.
4. Head squish. Jason was strong enough to crush your skull. He did it to one dude whose eye popped out. I think this was from the 3D movie.
3. Young lovers on a stick. Speaking about coitus interruptus.
2. Sleeping bag slam. Jason takes a camper hiding in her sleeping bag and whips her into a tree snapping her like a twig. Funny.
1. Handstand walker split in two. Dude who can walk on his hands gets bisected by Jason from crotch to sternum.
The Departed. The US remake of Infernal Affairs. I had recently watched the original because by coincidence it wound up on my Netflix queue at the same time the US remake debuted.
The original was confusing. Now this may sound cliched but I couldn’t tell the bad guys apart. They were all chinese to me, so that when it was time to remember who the mole was in the police department, I couldn’t pick him out of a police line up. I spent the better part of the movie trying to fathom out what was going on. At least the undercover cop was easy to pick out because he’s the infamous Tony Leung. Supposedly, the other guy is somewhat famous, but I don’t really watch much chinese cop dramas because I am limited to the kung fu genre. Anyway, the original besides confusing me ended in a very bitter tone. You had the mole, who always wanted to be a good cop, make it and the undercover cop not. Like the scene in Heat with Al Pacino and Robert Deniro, their tales where intertwined, and you know that someone loses in the end. In this film, it turns out the good guy was the bad guy. For some time after, I was confused by the turn of events to let the mole live. It felt wrong, but I felt conflicted liking the bitter ending, but not liking that crime triumphed. Heh.
The remake adhered to the premise of the original with lots of the same plot rythms. Along with The Aviator, this pic does not include many grand Scorsese stylings. Scorsese sublimates his style to tell the story. Nicholson on the other hand is always Nicholson. The quiet unfolding of the film under Scorsese was punctuated by Nicholson’s brashness and makes the film seem lively, but the length of the movie was very noticeable. I squirmed for the last half hour waiting for the ending. Of course, there was an american twist in the end. You cannot end an american story embracing the dark side. Unlike the original, the mole gets his comeuppance. This was rather phony. For once, an american film should’ve ended (like the original) with the embrace of bad cops rule. I would’ve liked the bitter ending to have remained.
Mark Wahlberg was the best. Followed by Alec Baldwin. DiCaprio and Damon were alright. The boston accent is teh suck.
Original: 2 of 5 stars.
Remake: 2 of 5 stars
Ok, I’m a sucker. Let me admit that I expected to find some kind of mirror image of my life in School for Scoundrels. Yet, if my life was that unfunny, I would want to die.
This movie is a supposed comedy. It clocks in at a bit over the 100 minutes, but it felt like an eternity. When choosing a movie to watch this weekend, I complained that The Guardian had a long running time just about 2.25 hours. Yet, School for Scoundrels felt very long. I was surprised to see that it played short as it felt like I was in the theatre for a while. Time slows down when watching something this unfunny.
Anyway the plot goes like this: loser guy pines for the cute neighbor, tries to woo her using tactic learned from the School for Scoundrels, becomes rivals with his teacher for the neighbor’s affections, and must destroy him before he is destroyed. Apart from going to a school and the rivalry aspect, I am that loser guy. Even more so since I don’t know if I have a cute neighbor to try and woo.
The movie combines some story elements from Fight Club — secret, guy’s only club and Something About Mary — chasing the girl of your dreams against other suitors. It doesn’t do a good job of combining the two. I was disappointed.
The cast was sucky. John Heder should not be the lead. I felt he did this movie soon after hitting it big with his Napoleon Dynamite role, and he decided to play it like that. “Sheesh!” The lion as king of his domain was a significant metaphor, but for that dude he should’ve been a liger! Billy Bob Thorton is the usual grouchy Billy Bob. I don’t know why he bothers. They had another movie he will be in later this yerr in the previews and I felt that that’s all he knows how to play. The cute neighbor (Jacinda Barrett) fell in love with the guy in the end which was so unbelievable that I expected a unicorn to come prancing through the theatre within minutes of the ending. Barrett had a non-descript role, but her character is the type of girl I can dig. Bookish and cute, but her role was insignificant. She played it adequately.
In the end, this movie was not very funny. It was boring at times. I was amazed at how much the supporting cast was wasted. Actors and comedians such as Luiz Guzman, Todd Louiso, Sarah Silverman and David Cross were wasted. They’re all fine comedic talents, but they had nothing here to make us laugh. With a supporting cast like that?! What happened?
I did laugh at some points, but overall this film is dull and not funny.
1 of 5 stars.
The Illusionist. You have seen this before when it was called The Usual Suspects. Don’t let that make you not see it, because it is a fine story. The heart of the matter is that love conquers all. And the only way to win back the lost girl of your past, the love of your life, is through magic! No, just kidding, but that is something funny and hilarious.
This film is better than the rest of the summer movies that came out in August. It’s a real gem, because of the story. Also, Jessica Biel is hot in jodpurs.
3 of 5 stars.
I can’t do better than the seed’s
